rethinking friendships

26 May

So, I’ve been trying to hang out with my soon to be prom date, Marshmallow, since before he even asked me to prom. In the few weeks before he asked, I’d hounded our mutual friend Mutton, who set us up, to find a time. Don’t worry, he said. We’ll figure something out. You know. The typical vague guy answers. 

So we did eventually find a time to hang out. One or two of my other friends asked me to hang out that day, but I turned them down because I really needed to meet Marshmallow before he asked me to Prom. Lo and behold, on the day we were meant to hang out, they cancelled on me. Screw it, Mutton said, he’ll just ask you tomorrow and you can hang out later. 

He didn’t ask me “tomorrow,” but his excuse seemed valid. I didn’t mind waiting as long as I had a date. (I had considered just going with another kid who asked me, but that’s a whole other story.) Finally, he came to my house with flowers and asked me on the Friday of Mothers’ Day weekend. Alright.

At the beginning of this week, we were about three weeks from Prom. I gently nudged Mutton, via text, to figure out a time when we could meet up. I found out times when Ames, his date, was free, and sent them to Mutton to work with. He picked Saturday, a day which I hadn’t included because I wasn’t free. But at this point, I was tired of the whole ordeal and just wanted it over with. I figured I’d cancel my plans since it was the only day we could hang out.

On Thursday, I asked a bit about our Saturday hangout. What time? The response I got was “nighttime.” Brilliantly specific, this kid could be a scientist.

Yesterday I worked with Goldfish, a redhead from my bio labgroup where Mutton and the rest all got pretty close. This year, I joined their friendgroup. I started eating lunch with them and going to Starbucks after school with them, or heading to Panera. I felt comfortable with them, and through my bio group became friends with plenty of others in their large circle of friends. Anyway, Goldfish told me about how basically the entire lab group BUT me went to Buffalo Wild Wings last night with several other friends of mine. I tried to keep smiling as she told me how wasted some people got when they headed over to Ames’ house. Eventually, I slipped into the conversation what my mind had been screaming the whole time: “Oh, I wish I was there! Nobody told me!” 

She replied that I was in New York City. Yes, this was true. I had plans. But none of them knew that–that wasn’t the reason why I wasn’t invited. I didn’t say anything.

Later, I watched movies at home. I waited for Mutton to text me with the details. Though Mutton and I had previously discussed this hangout, he made it sound like Marshmallow was telling him about it today. He explained that Mutton and Ames were probably going to see each other tonight, but if they and a few other people hung out they’d all get wasted and I probably wouldn’t want to go to that. I was honest: I said that I don’t mind hanging out with people who are drinking, but I don’t drink. He backtracked. Here’s the thing, he said. Ames’ parents are away and she doesn’t want too many people over cuz she doesn’t wanna get arrested. 

Perfectly understandable. Translation: you’re not invited.

Which would be fine, if I hadn’t cancelled plans to host a party tonight for my Mormon friends so that I could hang out with Marshmallow and Mutton. But he said he’d try and figure something out. So I waited. My parents asked if I wanted to see Star Trek with them (YES!) but I said no, and waited.

And waited.

And waited, only for him to say that it wasn’t gonna work out tonight, and that we should do something next week. I told him I was busy next weekend, so it would have to be a hangout on a weekday. We’ll figure something out, he said. I sent Mutton an angry text a text that wasn’t my usual doormat, saying how this was something important to me and that I might just try to hang out with Marshmallow on my own (despite the fact that we’ve never really met.) He said he was sorry, and that Marshmallow was still free.

I texted Marshmallow, and he said Mutton had told him the whole thing fell through, so he’d made other plans.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

It’s not fine. I’m sick and tired of wasting my time and canceling my plans for these guys. It only hurts more to hear that all of my other “friends” keep having these fabulous hangouts. I hate Mutton the most, because he was able to join the friendgroup only this year, where I wasn’t able to (apparently). I’ve been trying for two years to make friends in this godforsaken town, and all I get out of it is a bunch of 

We’ll figure something out.

Figure this out: enjoy your life. I’ll see you at Prom, I’ll see you at graduation. I’m already counting down the days until I’m out of here and never have to see any of you again. So enjoy your life. I won’t be part of it anymore.

I’m tired of crying myself to sleep at night, trying to ignore the fact that I don’t have any real friends.

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