Archive | May, 2013

ahem… re-rethinking friendships

30 May

Recall how upset and dramatic I got when Meat (AKA Bambi, who is the guy who set up Marshmallow and I) essentially ditched me to go drinking with other mutual friends? I gave him a piece of my mind via an angry text. The next day, he apologized for ditching me and I explained that it may have been my girly hormones acting  up, and how I was upset that my friends don’t invite me much (and was taking it out on him.) I probably should have stopped my word vomit from filling him in on my lonely insecurities, because a few moments later I found that he “may have gotten you invited to a classy gay guy’s party.” I hate telling people my problems for this reason: they go behind your back and help you out. I don’t want to need someone to get me invited places. I’m too proud for that. Nevertheless, I went to  Ubergay’s Memorial Day Party. It may have been the best decision ever.

The house was as fabulous as Ubergay himself. It was a massive brick building from the twenties or thirties, with a glistening pool adorned with fountains. some outdoor seating was shaded by a structure supported by Classical Columns. They used to have an orchard; now it is a badminton court. Even the people there were classy–dresses and jewelry galore. The event was catered, that’s how fancy it was. Then again, we did find a wind-up penis in their master library. I can only assume it was Ubergay’s. I wore a new maxidress and a jean jacket, and got tons of compliments. Not just from my friends, either! A random girl there said to me, “You are perfect for that dress! I swear, the people who made it had you in mind. When asked where it was from, I checked the tag. My friends made a big deal that it was from Calvin Klein. I didn’t mention that we got it from dress barn. It was really a perfect day with my friends.

Afterwards, Smi and I went to her place with Bambi. Smi has a fling with her prom date, who was out of town. She mentioned that she was horny before Bambi came, but I didn’t quite realize how much flirting she would do. I almost felt like a third wheeler until Bambi called her out on it. He said something to the effect of: “I hope I get a gay flat matter. He’ll bring a bunch of girls all the time. It’ll be great; it’ll be like this, only I’d actually want to hook up with you.” Ouch.

On Wednesday, I hung out with Gee. We went to the gym and then went to our church activity where we decorated cakes. At the gym, we talked to Gee’s friend’s older brother’s friend. He seemed kind of into me/bored Of his job. I would hook up with him.

Basically, I’ve realized that my whole friend freak out I’ll ill-founded. Now, Chloe: no worries. Be happy.

rethinking friendships

26 May

So, I’ve been trying to hang out with my soon to be prom date, Marshmallow, since before he even asked me to prom. In the few weeks before he asked, I’d hounded our mutual friend Mutton, who set us up, to find a time. Don’t worry, he said. We’ll figure something out. You know. The typical vague guy answers. 

So we did eventually find a time to hang out. One or two of my other friends asked me to hang out that day, but I turned them down because I really needed to meet Marshmallow before he asked me to Prom. Lo and behold, on the day we were meant to hang out, they cancelled on me. Screw it, Mutton said, he’ll just ask you tomorrow and you can hang out later. 

He didn’t ask me “tomorrow,” but his excuse seemed valid. I didn’t mind waiting as long as I had a date. (I had considered just going with another kid who asked me, but that’s a whole other story.) Finally, he came to my house with flowers and asked me on the Friday of Mothers’ Day weekend. Alright.

At the beginning of this week, we were about three weeks from Prom. I gently nudged Mutton, via text, to figure out a time when we could meet up. I found out times when Ames, his date, was free, and sent them to Mutton to work with. He picked Saturday, a day which I hadn’t included because I wasn’t free. But at this point, I was tired of the whole ordeal and just wanted it over with. I figured I’d cancel my plans since it was the only day we could hang out.

On Thursday, I asked a bit about our Saturday hangout. What time? The response I got was “nighttime.” Brilliantly specific, this kid could be a scientist.

Yesterday I worked with Goldfish, a redhead from my bio labgroup where Mutton and the rest all got pretty close. This year, I joined their friendgroup. I started eating lunch with them and going to Starbucks after school with them, or heading to Panera. I felt comfortable with them, and through my bio group became friends with plenty of others in their large circle of friends. Anyway, Goldfish told me about how basically the entire lab group BUT me went to Buffalo Wild Wings last night with several other friends of mine. I tried to keep smiling as she told me how wasted some people got when they headed over to Ames’ house. Eventually, I slipped into the conversation what my mind had been screaming the whole time: “Oh, I wish I was there! Nobody told me!” 

She replied that I was in New York City. Yes, this was true. I had plans. But none of them knew that–that wasn’t the reason why I wasn’t invited. I didn’t say anything.

Later, I watched movies at home. I waited for Mutton to text me with the details. Though Mutton and I had previously discussed this hangout, he made it sound like Marshmallow was telling him about it today. He explained that Mutton and Ames were probably going to see each other tonight, but if they and a few other people hung out they’d all get wasted and I probably wouldn’t want to go to that. I was honest: I said that I don’t mind hanging out with people who are drinking, but I don’t drink. He backtracked. Here’s the thing, he said. Ames’ parents are away and she doesn’t want too many people over cuz she doesn’t wanna get arrested. 

Perfectly understandable. Translation: you’re not invited.

Which would be fine, if I hadn’t cancelled plans to host a party tonight for my Mormon friends so that I could hang out with Marshmallow and Mutton. But he said he’d try and figure something out. So I waited. My parents asked if I wanted to see Star Trek with them (YES!) but I said no, and waited.

And waited.

And waited, only for him to say that it wasn’t gonna work out tonight, and that we should do something next week. I told him I was busy next weekend, so it would have to be a hangout on a weekday. We’ll figure something out, he said. I sent Mutton an angry text a text that wasn’t my usual doormat, saying how this was something important to me and that I might just try to hang out with Marshmallow on my own (despite the fact that we’ve never really met.) He said he was sorry, and that Marshmallow was still free.

I texted Marshmallow, and he said Mutton had told him the whole thing fell through, so he’d made other plans.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

It’s not fine. I’m sick and tired of wasting my time and canceling my plans for these guys. It only hurts more to hear that all of my other “friends” keep having these fabulous hangouts. I hate Mutton the most, because he was able to join the friendgroup only this year, where I wasn’t able to (apparently). I’ve been trying for two years to make friends in this godforsaken town, and all I get out of it is a bunch of 

We’ll figure something out.

Figure this out: enjoy your life. I’ll see you at Prom, I’ll see you at graduation. I’m already counting down the days until I’m out of here and never have to see any of you again. So enjoy your life. I won’t be part of it anymore.

I’m tired of crying myself to sleep at night, trying to ignore the fact that I don’t have any real friends.

my internship (week 2)

24 May

Monday, May 20th

Today we had a 45 year old male with a GI bleed. Eva was there again, and we all had a fun time chatting.
Tuesday, May 21st
Today I put together a bunch of packets for the charts of new admissions. Once again: there is a LOT of paperwork involved in health care.
Wednesday, May 22nd
Today Eva came, plus a new volunteer. She’s a PA student in her sophomore year of college. She needs 500 clinical hours. We briefly went upstairs to 3 East, the adult medical floor, because it was quiet down here. The nurse manager in the ICU bought everyone lunch to celebrate the fact that the ICU was recently found to be the safest, most cooperating and efficient department in the hospital, according to a survey taken in march. But jus t before lunch (and before the PA student came), the nurse manager heard her grandmother had a stroke. Even though the other hospital would have been closer, she had her brought here.
Thursday, May 23rd
I came in and both nurses were temporarily closing the ICU (which had no patients) to help upstairs where there were too many patients. I helped out here and there. Most of nursing seems to be assisting and cleaning patients. I watched an elderly woman get her diaper changed. I can’t tell if old people are just used to and resigned to humiliation, or if they simply have become more uninhibited with age. Either way, I think it’d be awful to have to have someone wipe your butt and apply diaper rash cream.
We went back downstairs when we got a patient, 54 year old female, with a GI bleed. She has had a history of ovarian cancer among others, and she looks like she’s 80. Her husband is ten years younger than her and has what can only be described as “sick tats” all down his arm. His beard drops down to his navel. The nurses say his wife’s time is coming, but she isn’t a DNR or DNI yet (do not resuscitate/ do not intubate).
She has bags on her stomach filled with a murky brown mush. They are from her colonoscopy. They stink up the room.

Friday, May 24th

We still have the GI Patient from yesterday. She is weak, even though she got two units of blood yesterday. She gets lots of treatments today: blood products–five units. I went down to the blood bank lab with one of the nurses. The lab is awesome, chock full of lab equipment. Centrifuges, micropipettes, cuvettes, a bubbling concoction straight out of Dexter’s Lab, an oscillating gizmo whose function I can’t even guess. There was a brown cardboard box with a sticker that said, “FRAGILE: donated human tissue” just sitting on the counter.
The patient developed hives in a reaction to the blood products we gave her. We had to give her Benadryl. Luckily, her respiration and blood pressure was fine. Apparently this reaction hasn’t happened in years for these nurses. But guess what: more paperwork! They need to fill out an occurrence report whenever something out of the norm happens.
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my internship: week one

24 May

Day 1: Tues May 14th

The ICU is much smaller and quieter than I expected. The nurses gave me a quick tour of the ICU and then sat down in the nurses station. My duties are primarily answering the  phone. There are two nurses in each shift; the average age of each nurse is around fifty.  There was only one patient, an 86 year old woman. She was a character. She yelled and swore at the nurses because they wouldn’t put Vaseline around her IV site. The nurses told me how crazy the patient is, and how the other day she called one of the sweetest nurses here a “princess bitch.” The nurses refer to the patient as Pb now. Since there was only one patient, one of the nurses felt bad that I had to sit around and so he taught me how to read EKG graphs. I read up a little further in a textbook he showed me. He also taught me a bit about diabetes. 
Day 2: Wed May 15th
Today, I met another volunteer named Eva. She used to work in the hospital for years and years and years, in various capacities. Since the hospital is losing money every year, she was laid off last October when her position, ICU secretary, was eliminated. Now the nurses do all the secretarial work themselves. When they’re busy, the phone goes unanswered. 
We got one new patient, a male in his fifties with heart issues. He needed a cardiaversion, but it was scheduled for after my shift ended. When we admitted him, I took his report by mistake. The nurses weren’t mad at me because I didn’t know, but they got pissed at the ER nurse who didn’t make sure she reported to a nurse. (They redid the report.) 
Day 3: Thurs May 16th
The male patient was discharged today. Pb is still here, but she has been very pleasant lately. Her grandchildren came to visit her. There is a lot of interdepartmental conflict in this hospital. I think part of it is due to the fact that the ICU nurses have plenty of time to sit and gossip.
Day 4: Fri may 17th
PB was discharged today. EMTs came in with a stretcher to let her out. She left at around noon and we didn’t get another patient. We gossiped about people in the hospital, about current events and politics, and exchanged pictures of my prom dress for pictures of the nurses’ dogs. I think it’s good for me to be here, if only to remind me that healthcare is about both sitting around doing paperwork (or nothing at all) AND doing exciting procedures. Also, I couldn’t be a nurse. I’m not patient or personable enough.

finally done with school and exams and such

24 May

Well. It was a rough week of exams, to be brutally honest. I didn’t study enough for a single one of my exams, and I think it’ll show… I’m not looking forward to my score report. I bet the only test I did reasonably well on is bio. Even English, at which I usually excel, was difficult for me. It really wasn’t my week. I felt like crap…

and…

it was my time.

Which reminds me: why is it fair that women have to take tests on their period? I would not be surprised if many women do worse on tests when on their periods. I hope somebody somewhere does a period-testing study.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Chloe! How can you fall prey to the fundamental attribution error?!” Said error is when one blames external sources for failure but assumes responsibility for one’s successes. (Alright, maybe I didn’t fail my psych exam, either.) But really, part of me wonders to what degree my scores are influenced by that unfriendly monthly guest.

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Meet Marshmallow. As you can see, he is thoroughly adorable, and is a good height and coloring for me. I still have never actually spoken to him, other than to give him my number, but I hear he’s very nice from several sources. I’m meant to hang out with him this Saturday.

Well. After Marshie came and gave me the flowers, I headed off to Boston. We wemy up for Mothers Day weekend so we could shop and meet up with our family friends, the Banana family. Max Banana is about nine months younger than me. We’ve known each other since birth and we’ve been to each other’s birthday parties. I hadn’t seen him since before his growth spurt. While the rest of our families shopped in a New Hampshire (NO SALES TAX!) outlet mall, we went bowling with some of his friends. I talked extensively with this guy, a runner, who asked me lots of questions about Japan and the triathlons I’ve done. He told me that he had joined in the Boston Marathon at around mile 17 to support his coach. I can’t even imagine how horrible that must have been for him, though he and his coach were safe.

We got ice cream afterwards. The small store had a free scoop policy for rainy days. It had been rainy on and off, so when I went up to the window to order it started to drizzle. How much better does black cherry chocolate ice cream taste when you get extra for free? Infinitely better.

Then the Monday after Mothers’ Day, I had my Bio exam. It was shockingly easy… hopefully I actually did as well I think. On Tuesday, I started my internship at a hospital ICU.

because prama is a thing.

3 May

For the past few weeks and the next two or so, I’m just completely swamped. My mom’s birthday is this Tuesday, Mother’s day is Sunday. I’ve got four AP tests to study for, all within the space of seven days. The first one is this Monday, and I’m completely screwed. I’m confident I can get a four or a five on psych and English, and all I need to get college credit on Bio is a three (doable, I hope). But calculus… thou art the bane of my existence. I need at least a four to get credit for it, and if I do I will get out of TWO core classes in my college next year. Somehow, i don’t think it’s gonna happen. I just took the non-calculator (rough) free response (rougher) section of a released exam in class. I got so stuck that I drew a turtle with a thought bubble that read,

 math is hurts my head.

 But I can still hope for a four! Please oh please oh please!

In addition to all of my APs, I have to arrange prom. There is more drama surrounding senior prom than I even thought possible. Last night, I cleared up a misunderstanding with one of my neighbors who heard through the grapevine that I would go to prom with him–even though I already had a pretty firm commitment with some junior I don’t know. Later that same night, one of the same neighbor’s friends asked me to prom. I had just heard that the junior was planning to ask me today, so I said no. I’ve never even spoken to the junior, and the guy who asked me (we’ll call him Fishy) is someone I’ve always thought is cute. But going with him would be unfair to both my neighbor and the junior… It stinks when you are considerate of the feelings of others.

As if my first world problems couldn’t get any worse, I’ve just got too much going on. I have hours worth of church commitments, plus my friends are all being social and stuff. Right now, as I type, I am missing senior skip day. By which I mean, I am at school when I shouldn’t be. Sure, I already skipped once this week, but it’s the principle of the thing!

I guess my biggest problem is myself. I hate how moody I get this time of the month. While we were trying to figure out who’ll sit at whose tables for prom, I was on the verge of crying for about 36 hours straight. Nobody invited me to sit at a table with them, which of course I took to mean that everybody hated me. Looking back, I know it seems silly, but with the stress and the hormones raging it’s all too easily to yearn desperately for an escape. Because college will be better. There wont be prom drama, and my friends might actually invite me to hang out with them once in a while. Sure, I’ll have alot of work, but I’ll have alot of freedom, too.

Right?

Wrong. I need to learn to look outside at the beautiful weather, not look forward to a utopia that will never come. Fine, maybe i’ll enjoy college more, but so what? Prama is a thing, but every era in every person’s life has its ‘things’, its struggles.

I’m not gonna say tomorrow will be better anymore. It may be, or it may not be. So it goes. No matter what happens, today, tomorrow and yesterday are GOOD. Carpe diem.