completely competent… except for the being stupid parts

13 Mar

Today was not the best day for me. I woke up realizing that I had yet to finish my project for AP psych. I spent several hours working on that, and then an hour studying for today’s AP biology quiz. I had hoped to spend that time eating everything and everything or sleeping like a baby going running or swimming. I just barely finished my project and ran out the door.

The meme I stole from the google device

The meme I stole from the google device

When I got to class (five minutes late), my teacher was lecturing. She talked for half the class, then allowed only one group to present in the remaining time. I’d wasted my morning FOR NO  REASON! Bio was at least a little bit better: I actually aced my quiz. Come at me, science.

Notice how he cowers for fear of the sciensplosion.

Notice how he cowers for fear of the sciensplosion.

Straight after school, I walked through the pouring rain into the school parking lot, trying to find my mom. By the time car and human were in the same place, I was sopping wet. My mom was frustrated by the lack of service near my school because she was supposed to be on a conference call. She drove me to the DMV for my license test.

I’ll just come out with it really fast, like ripping off a bandaid.

Again, not my image. And again, not gonna properly cite it.

I failed.

What did I do wrong? Well, for starters, I probably should have practiced a little bit BEFORE last week. That done, I maybe perhaps sorta kinda should have gone the speed limit in rainy conditions.

And I probably should have driven in the right lane, as well. It mighta helped, just a teensy bit, if I had actually bothered to obey the law.

To be honest, I really COULD have passed that drivers test. The scores I got for driving ability were perfectly adequate. The only issues were… not being an idiot. For some reason, (maybe it was my nerves or my lack of practice or my incessant insanity) I had it in my head that the dash on the spedometer corresponding to 30 miles per hour was actually the one for 20 miles per hour. Whoops.

And it really wasn’t my fault that I drove on the wrong side of the road. No, I’m not going to blame my time in Japan. It was all because there were too few parking spots at the DMV. I pulled into the parking lot and followed the instructors oddly soothing commands as we searched for an empty space. Since there were none available, she told me to exit the lot and then re-enter it. I obliged.

Understand that there is a very narrow margin separating the exit and the entrance. To me, it made the most sense to simply pull a U-ie right back into the lot. I realized as oncoming traffic loomed in the not-so-very-far distance that one is actually meant to pull all the way out into the right lane, wait for traffic to pass, and THEN make a super duper sharp turn back into the parking lot. Nobody’d ever told me that, so how was I supposed to know?! Clearly, not my fault…

Okay, fine. Looking back it’s completely obvious. At the time, it seemed almost right, though! My mother couldn’t stop laughing when I told her I’d failed.

“Well, yeah…” she said, “It’s generally a good idea NOT to drive in other people’s lanes.” I made my mom promise not to tell the family about the second half of my fail. If word got out to my older brother that I actually drove on the left side of the rode during my driving test… there’d be no end to my misery.

They still torture me about my first trans-continental flight all alone. My parents were flying me on Singapore Air, which is a great airline renowned for its entertainment systems. When I arrived in Utah from Tokyo, my parents could hardly hide their excitement as they asked which movies I watched.

“Oh, about that…”


I couldn’t figure out how to turn on my personal media system, so I’d gone without. For all fourteen hours. I HAD A REALLY GOOD BOOK, OKAY? Stop judging me. Now I know that the controls are hidden in a super secret compartment on the armrest. And maybe next time this AP scholar will be able to figure out how to do every day tasks without making a fool of myself.

But then again, that’s never really been my M.O.* I once was unable to put together a lamp. From Ikea.

*Modus operandi. I like the way it sounds all latiny, and stuff.


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