my birthday

7 Mar

Yes, world, I am now eighteen. I’m so excited to finally be able to… to…


AHA! I can now: rent a port-o-pottie; write a will; open a checking account; adopt a child; buy a lotto ticket; call myself out of school if I need (want) to leave; vote (eh) and so much more. Aren’t I a lucky girl.

Yesterday, on the best day in the whole entire world, at around 2 am in Utah, time stood still. It stopped for a good five minutes, didn’t you notice? Why did it stand still, you ask? Naturally, the planet itself was paying homage to ME. A few hours later, I woke up and went upstairs. As is tradition in my family, my parents had both stayed up almost all night.

My mom stayed up so she could bake the cake, wrap the presents, and then frost the cake and get out the candles. My dad stayed up because my mom made him  so that he could decorate our dining room with streamers and the hanging happy birthday sign we’ve had for decades. (Literally.) I walked in to see my two sisters sitting at a table with balloons and presents and cake.

My mom does it the old fashioned way, cake and frosting from scratch.

My mom does it the old fashioned way: cake and frosting from scratch.

Now, we have a few traditions in my home. The aforementioned parental all-nighter (though admittedly this may be more of a consistent lack of foresight than a tradition); cake and presents in the morning; each child gets a present.

You heard me. Every child in my family of six gets a small present. Notice how our traditions revolve around impatience, gluttony, greed and jealousy. Just like they should. Here is an excerpt from an email from my brother, entitled

In case anyone wants to buy me a ‘Chloe’s birthday’ present:

They’re re-releasing the drive soundtrack with new artwork and posters on pink wax vinyl. I cannot in human language explain how cool that is. I’d be willing to sell Tor for this.

Isn’t he charming? My parents sent him a reply saying “not likely” along with a magic 8 ball. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, he is my older brother (chronologically, only, I assure you) who goes to an Ivy League. That ponce.

My sisters each got a book of sheet-music. Pigeon got all the songs off of Taylor Swift’s RED for the guitar, and Tor got all of the classic Legend of Zelda songs. (Kind of jealous.) One of my presents was a similar book, but mine was full of songs from the musical Chicago. Not that I don’t know all the words to that anyway.

Here are my other presents:

Note: this picture was taken hours after the birthday celebration. Please disregard our slobbish refusal to put anything away.

A Bouquet of Roses

Note: this picture was taken hours after the birthday celebration. Please disregard our slobbish refusal to put anything away.

Nerf Gun, Specifically for Use Against My Older Brother

Nerf Gun, Specifically for Use Against My Older Brother

My parents said two things when they gave this to me: “We know you can’t aim, so we got you an automatic,” and “We wanted you to use this against your brother.” Please note the bottom left corner, where it reminds me not to aim at eyes or face. WELL, DUH. I’m gonna be aiming at the OTHER PERSON!

Cookies and Cream Bars, BYU sanitizer, and BYU flashlight/compass/clip

Cookies and Cream Bars, BYU sanitizer, and BYU flashlight/compass/clip

My parents know me well. This chocolate was one of my childhood faves. Plus, they REALLY don’t want me to get lost at college… which is actually embarrassingly probable. And I’m not sure why the hand sanitizer. Maybe I’m just too dirty (wink).

Pillow Pet Jaguar!

Pillow Pet Jaguar!

Just look how soft that purple thang looks. It’s technically a leopard, but they crossed it out and wrote jaguar since they know it’s my favorite animal. (See tube pillow in background.) This is actually a bit of a mocking present… my family STILL hasn’t forgotten how one year for my birthday, when asked what I wanted I only said “soft things.” So that’s what they got me. And you know what? THAT BIRTHDAY ROCKED. Yet they make fun of me. I don’t get it.

Pigeon got me the lovely Oscar-nominee Wreck-It Ralph. I’m a huge dork, so I got almost every video game reference in that show. And I’m a huge fan of kids’ movies in general, so this was pretty much perfect. To be honest, though, I’m even more excited for the adorable short film in the beginning… I WAS SO HAPPY IT WON THE OSCAR! Sorry. Can’t control my excitement sometimes.

Sexy Black Ken

Sexy Black Ken

Tor got me this one. I just about died laughing. You see, this summer I went to Ghana for two months as a medical volunteer. I may or may not have made out with a bloke from Benin while I was there. When we met up with my cousins in Hong Kong this winter, my oldest cousin kept asking, “So, Chloe. Do you like chocolate?” (giggle giggle giggle.) And, for the record, yes I do. All types of chocolate, in fact—dark, milk, and not-really-chocolate-but-tries-to-be white chocolate. It’s a good thing there’s no such thing as yellow chocolate, because I’m not really a fan of Asian men. And I’m allowed to say that because my former make-out buddy/neighbor is Asian. (Jokes. I’m still not allowed to say that.)

The Grand Finale

The Grand Finale

And, last but not least, my BRAND SPANKING NEW KINDLE PAPERWHITE! YAY! As soon as it was fully charged, I renamed it to

the kindle that against all odds won’t get lost

so I really hope I’m not jinxing myself over here. Kindles and I have a history. It’s pretty long, and it’s even longer if you include all the other non-Kindle devices that I’ve lost or dunked in the ocean or lost under a foot of snow or spilled coke (the drink) on over the years.

I still had to go to school pretty early for an AP Bio review session. We watched a three-hour long video on evolution, and I fell asleep during the second half. My friend Goldfish had baked me cupcakes for my birthday, though, and Smi brought cookies and a birthday card. What sweethearts my friends are!

School was blegh. But afterwards, my family went out to Texas Roadhouse for dinner. We had to ask for more rolls with cinnamon butter three times. I ate so much I could hardly move. It was awesome. My Asian neighbor called me while we were driving back. He sang the happy birthday song to me and we chatted for a bit. I hate talking on the phone: I’m actually terrified of it. I’m just incredibly awkward via phone… the curse of my generation is that I’m just unable to think of anything to say. Even talking in person is better than the telephone!

I stopped by at church because it was a Wednesday, and every Wednesday we get together and hang out. We played dodgeball for a while. When I finally got home, I checked my facebook. I think next year I may deactivate my account from March 5th to March 7th so I don’t have to go through them all. By far the creepiest birthday message I got, though, was via email:

Happy Birthday From a College I Never Applied To

Happy Birthday From a College I Never Applied To

Enough said. These college emails have got to stop.

Now, if anyone at all reads this post, please say happy birthday in the comments because I am clearly the most important person in the world.


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